The JVS were having a Christmas party and dang were we excited; the theme of the party was to dress as your favorite Christmas character. Jennifer was one of the eight maids a milking, Nicole was Rudolf the red nosed reindeer, Cathleen was Mrs. Claus and I was the little drummer boy. We played some banana grams and tapped our box a Franzia at E&Bs before the party. Nicole’s costume was footie pajamas with giant reindeer heads on the feet so there was no way she was going to fit into her boots. I told her to take mine and I would wear hers. Now when I said this I did not remember that she wears a 12 in a Childs. I crammed my foot into her boots , it was Chinese foot torture , I was literally walking on top of my big toe ( my foot was folded in half ).
We head over to the house (which is just down the street two blocks) I am doing a kind of hobble run thing which is the truly painful. Thank god I had some vodka in my system otherwise it might have been really bad. We make it to the house and I am finally able to relive my feet from their Bog shaped prison.
We say hi and get some glasses of wine flowing because it time for a PARTY. Well I take my glass and basically shot put it, right down the basement stairs. Now there are about 15 steps and a landing, so yes that red wine on every single step, all of the walls, the landing and some still in the glass for me.
The worst part about this was the noise it made which in turn then completely stopped the party; everyone in turn looks towards me and judges me with their eyes. The look is basically this picture .
I make a face like I don’t know who did that and sheepishly crawl down the stairs and start cleaning up the copious amount of wine that seemed to appear out of thin air.
It looked like this even though I only had a Dixie glass of wine I don’t know where it all came from. After the embarrassing moment I felt it was sign from god to stop drinking. Basically god said “STOP DRINKING YOUR MAKING MORE OF A FOOL OF YOURSELF THAN NORMAL”. Sober me was what it was for the rest of the evening, now when I am at a party and it’s late and I am sober I no longer mingle, I Judge. I moved to the outer ring of the party and simple Judged everyone. Now I don’t know if everyone knows this but I am an Olympic level Judger (If that’s a word, I am a peacock ahahah). Basically I am a professional in my field and I was working pure magic for the rest of the evening.
Rule 1: a superior view of yourself, one that allows you to be able to look at others and feel superior.
Rule 2: to Judging in Public GET SOME COVER, so I found myself hiding behind some foliage.
Rule 3: Get a partner (to laugh at what your saying), now who could I get “LIGHTBULB” Cathleen. Now coco was wearing a giant flower broach and was deemed “unabroachable” for the duration of the evening. Now Cathleen being the social butterfly that she is usually takes parties and social situations with a face somewhat near this picture. Actually that not too far off her normal look of distain (which she only gives me on a daily basis).
Now I have all the elements to a good fun judging session. First Victim: JENNIFER, I don’t know what she was doing but apparently she had not eaten since Thanksgiving and felt the need to fill her milk maid pail with sweets. I am not lying every single picture is her eating its hysterical, apparently franzia gives her the munchies, it’s crazy. At least I have something to show the paramedics when she lapses into a sugar coma.
(So jealous that she weights like 14 lbs after consuming 35lbs of chex mix, while I am ballooning out to unimaginable sizes, my biggest loser application is already filled out).
Next Victim: CATHLEEN
Now apparently she had a lapse in her brain and forgot what my job for the evening was because she got up and did this.
I don’t even have to say anything the picture speaks for itself.
Final Victim: NICOLE
Apparently after a few Dixie glasses of franzia and our resident reindeer decides it time for a walkabout. Let me set the scene
Party: everyone is talking having fun dancing, eating in Jenn’s case. Where is Nicole??? Oh I see her she s 3 foot 5 and wandering around the party like an elderly person trying to remember where she is. She just keeps walking and talking I don’t think she stayed in the same spot for more than two minutes. Here is some phototrophic proof that reindeers go on walkabouts.
(LOOK SHE IS JUST WANDERING )
( WHAT IS CATHLEEN DOING ????)
So the party was a success and I was able to use my wonderful powers of judgment. Now I am sure none of the girls will be speaking to me for the rest of my time here in Alaska opps.